On Vacation

I’m traveling for the next couple days so there will be no posting. I might post something this afternoon if I have time. Regular posting including baseball previews next week.

Gutting the 14th Amendment is a Bad Idea

Lindsey is a girl's name

This kind of stuff should go without saying, but ever since the Senate’s Saddest Clown Lindsey Graham stated that the birthright citizenship part of the 14th Amendment should be done away with, in order to deal with the imaginary problem of “anchor babies”, the right-wing idiot-sphere has gone into full swing, culminating in this tard at World Net Daily (won’t link to the actual article because that site doesn’t deserve page views) deciding that we should do away with the equal protection clause too, because ensuring that all citizens have equal rights in the eyes of the law is somehow Marxist (seriously). Anyone who’s passed 10th grade history (apparently not right-wing senators or bloggers) understands that the post civil war constitutional amendments (13, 14 and 15) are arguably the most important after the Bill of Rights (amendments 1-10) because they exist to ensure that an act such as the atrocity of chattel slavery never again happens in our nation. Of these three amendments, the 14th is arguably the most important to the development of the US as the most powerful country in the world.

The immigrants who fueled this country’s growth in the early 20th century came to the US not only for the opportunity of social mobility, they also came knowing that their children would be American citizens, afforded the same legal protections as those more wealthy than them, a concept that didn’t exist in Europe at the time. Doing away with one of our proudest accomplishments to stop the latest right-wing boogey man (pregnant mexicans crossing the border so they can drop babies and take our best gardening jobs!) would be the end of what separates America from the rest of the world (especially given that illegal immigration is down).

I’ll admit that I have a personal stake in this debate. I’m an anchor baby, my parents are (legal) immigrants, and I am a citizen by birthright. I was born in New York while my father was on a student visa completing his post-graduate work, about a month before he took a job at the company he has been working for more than 23 years now. My parents didn’t become citizens until some years after my birth. People like my father, their countries’ best and brightest, chose America over other places not only because it afforded opportunity, but because our society allowed for integration much more easily than European countries like Germany, which only recently reformed it’s immigration laws to clear more paths to citizenship. Now that growing wealth inequality, the collapse of the housing market and the lack of a strong social safety net have reduced upward mobility, all we have left is the spirit of integration and legal equality enshrined in our Constitution. Doing away with that would destroy our last true advantage over the rest of the world.

A New Standard for Stupidity

You would think that by now we’d all have seen enough stupid shit not to be shocked anymore. Still, once in a while we all wander upon something so incredibly retarded that you actually have to read it twice to comprehend it. I found such a piece of information today. Via Talking Points Memo, some  teabagging dumbass at a website called Conservapedia (which is apparently like Wikipedia without the liberal bias that exists in actual facts) believes that Einstein’s Theory of Relativity is a liberal conspiracy because, well, Jesus. That’s his actual argument, relativity is untrue because of the things that Jesus is said to have done in the Bible. TPM’s breakdown is well worth reading just to get a sense of how stupid this guy really is (he also apparently doesn’t know how to use citations).

I’ll just add my two cents here. When on one side of an argument you have a mathematical proof that describes gravity as a geometric property of space and time, or E=mc^2 (liberal bias alert: I checked Wikipedia to make sure I got it right) and on the other side you have a bunch of 2000 year old urban legends from a small desert tribe about some hippie turning water into wine (how do I get that power?) the choice should be easy. I don’t mean to insult anyone’s faith, but really come on, even if you believe in God it shouldn’t be too hard to bend your thinking enough to accommodate something as innocuous and generally accepted as relativity. What’s next, declaring Newton’s Laws to be blasphemy?

P.S. Aqua Buddha

A poor apology

Apologies for not posting here for a while. My shitty chinese internet connection is too slow to even get to the add new post page most of the time and inexplicably stopped working altogether last week. It’s back up now and in the event that it actually runs fast enough to post something in the next couple of days I’ve got a couple of longer posts I want to write up. Just to get you excited they involve Justin Bieber, facebook, Michael Lewis, and anchor babies. On another programming note, come the end of August I will be relocating to FACKING BAHHSTAAAN (Boston), at which point I hope to post more regularly. Cheers!

Jim Bunning: Visionary?

Nostra - Douchemas

You may remember that a couple of months ago I made fun of Sen. Jim Bunning (R – KY), calling him a fuckface, for blocking an extension of emergency unemployment benefits. What I totally underestimated at the time was the the absolute douchetacity of Senate Republicans and Democrat Ben Nelson, who teamed up in an effort to block an extension of benefits on June 30. Apparently, Republicans believe that it’s good politics to ply around with the livelihoods of the unemployed in order to pay lip service to reducing the defecit (which doesn’t matter by the way). Andrew Leonard at Salon make the obvious case for why this electoral strategy makes no sense. All I have to say is go jump of a cliff, dickheads.

Thomas Friedman DERP DERP DERP

Nice Tie Doofus

Thomas Friedman wrote a stupid column for the New York Times a couple of days ago. This in and of itself is not news as Thomas Friedman writes lots of stupid columns, but I’ve been waiting to make fun of someone for a while and Friedman is just too easy a target to pass up. Let’s break it down blow by blow shall we?

Comedy Central’s Most Watched Late Night Host…

… is Daniel Tosh, ahead of both Stewart and Colbert in the ratings. This basically confirms what I’ve been saying all along, which is that Tosh.0 is the most amusing new show to hit Comedy Central since the tragically short lived Chappelle’s Show. Which of course isn’t saying much since this is the same network that put out Mind of Mencia and Drawn Together for multiple seasons despite the fact that they both egregiously sucked. I always feared that Tosh would be killed way too early if ratings were weak at the beginning, luckily Comedy Central extended the first season from it’s scheduled 10 episodes to 16 and the show has been strong since. We’ll be enjoying Tosh through 2011 at least, as a 3rd season has been confirmed.

World Cup Final Predictions

What you thought I was going to waste my time predicting the 3rd place game?

Before we get to the games here are some things we’ve learned in the World Cup

1. FIFA doesn’t give a shit what you think: We’ve already gone over their reticence on goal line technology and replays. But now FIFA head Sepp Blatter (just me or would this be a great name for a super villain) has gone ahead and actually praised the officiating. Not much to say except fuck you Sepp.

2. Don’t bet against Octopuses: German psychic Octopus Paul has correctly predicted seven world cup matches in a row. In fact the only match he’s ever predicted incorrectly was the Euro 2008 final when he picked Germany over Spain. I want Paul to start predicting other things, like whether the world will end in 2012, whether financial reform legislation will pass, and the result of every 2010 election.

3. There should be more Maradona in everything: Diego is without a doubt the most entertaining coach in all of professional sports. He should branch out from soccer and coach a team in every major sport. You can’t tell me this wouldn’t be awesome.

4. LeBron James has no sense of self-awareness: Not World Cup news, but bears repeating in any case. Quick follow up on this though, really Cleveland? You thought he was going to stay with you and never win a championship? You thought the hometown angles would keep him around? If my hometown was Cleveland I wouldn’t even have to think twice before fleeing. Cleveland is like Detroit, but its so inconsequential that fewer people even bother to point out how much it sucks. My hometown of Hartford sucks only slightly less than Cleveland and I left as soon as I could.

The best thing to come out of the LeBacle: Cavs owner Dan Gilbert’s hilariously angry letter to Cleveland fans written in Comic Sans font. More angry letters in silly fonts please. Someone transcribe Mel Gisbson’s threatening phone calls into Comic Sans, now. Just an inkling here, maybe part of the reason that LeBron left is that he didn’t want to play for a crazy person when he had the option to play for Pat Riley, who is undeniably cool.

Netherlands vs. Spain: I’ve said pretty much everything I want to say about these two teams over my last two posts so I won’t waste your time and get straight to the pick. I’m going with Spain 2 -1 (Paul picked Spain too so I know I’m right)

World Cup Semifinals Preview

First off happy belated Independence Day to everyone, hope it was as awesome as the most American holiday should be. Let’s go straight to the picks.

Uruguay vs. The Netherlands: Most people are upset about the way Uruguay beat Ghana, calling it cheating. I say that it was simply a backhand slap from Soccer Karma. You know what else is cheating Ghana?! Faking injuries to waste time! I feel absolutely no sympathy for the Ghanians. That said, Uruguay is due for a karmic beat down now and even if they don’t have some kind of egregious call go against them, I think that they’re simply outclassed here, especially with Luis Suarez suspended and Diego Lugano injured. Even if they were playing I’d have a hard time picking against the Dutch.

The Pick: Netherlands 3 – Uruguay 1. Diego Forlan gets on the board for La Celeste, but the Dutch have too many weapons for Uruguay to deal with.

Germany vs. Spain: This looks like a great game on paper. The Germans were the only team I didn’t have advancing, but they clearly look like the class of the tournament now after beating England 4-1 and Argentina 4-0. What I like most about Germany is they just play simple soccer. They tackle hard to get the ball and then attack, very little of the square passing in the midfield that can make the game boring. Spain on the other hand has an offense best described as death by paper cuts. Xavi and Andres Iniesta will hold the ball in the midfield, passing it around until they find an opening. While this would normally be boring, when Spain is clicking on all cylinders, the ball movement is almost hypnotizing and David Villa and Fernando Torres forming arguably the best striking pair in the world. Villa has been the best player so far in the tournament, but Torres has failed to live up to his hype, going goalless so far.

The Pick: All things considered I like Germany to win 3-2. Right now they just look the more complete team, they absolutely steamrolled Argentina and I think they’ll be fine letting Spain control the ball for most of the game. That said, Spain is definitely the best team they have faced so far as Argentina and England had some real defensive deficiencies. I’m just finding it hard to pick against the Germans after their last two games.

World Cup Quarterfinal Predictions

I’ll admit it, I’m one of those people, “soccer fans.”  I may not watch every EPL game, but when it’s time for the World Cup, Champions League, European Championship, hell even the Confederations Cup you can bet that I’m glued to the screen. I’ve refrained from making any predictions so far this time out, mostly because I didn’t want to jinx the US team (read: laziness), but with my team out (more on that later), I’m happy to make some completely inaccurate predictions for the next round. First though, some thoughts on what we’ve seen so far in South Africa.

1. The Refs suck: After watching the NBA finals I thought, “Basketball definitely has the worst refs of any sport,” Then I watched the World Cup. It seems as if every team has been screwed in every way imaginable. Phantom fouls, blatant offsides going uncalled, goals that were in by at least five feet disallowed, just think of a possible refereeing blunder and its happened. Here’s what I would do if I had any say in sports media: I would have Tim Donaghy watch days of footage of soccer games officiated by all of the referees at the World Cup. Then I would pay him to write a gambling column telling readers how to bet based on who the referee is. Tell me this wouldn’t be awesome.
2. FIFA’s response to the Refs sucking somehow managed to suck worse: Way to go the absolute wrong way on this one bros! High-fives all-around! Instead of looking into goal line technology or instant replay for soccer, FIFA instantly declared that there would be nothing of the sort and that it would censor in-stadium replays. Because, you know, why try to get calls right at the biggest tournament in sports when you could just piss fans off.
3. Shakira’s “Waka Waka” sucks more than the refs or FIFA: How do you say worst theme song f or anything ever in Zulu? Can we just do away with this? Every World Cup they pay some major pop star a bus full of money to record a theme song and every time out it just sucks sooo bad. The thing that this song (and its video!) reminds me of the most is Aldous Snow’s “African Child” from Get Him to the Greek, that is sad. And now the mandatory crude joke: Even though the song sucks I’d like to show Shakira my Waka Waka. No need for applause, I’ll be here all week.
4. Vuvuzelas: At this point South Africa should just change their national anthem to Vuvuzelas for one and a half minutes. Is it too much to ask for a Vuvuzela Symphony Orchestra?

And now for some cogent soccer analysis (games listed in no particular order):

Spain vs. Paraguay: The Paraguayans have surprised in this tournament through defensive mettle and sheer strength of will. It still won’t be enough to beat Spain, who when they’re at their best are an unbelievable attacking force, arguably the best in the tournament. The Spaniards still haven’t played up to potential and Fernando Torres, who’s still showing the effects of a knee injury, has looked a bit lost and is in danger of getting benched. My prescription for Torres? Grow your hair out and dye it blonde again, you’re clearly better when you look like a girl. With or without an in-form Torres, Spain still his the best striker in the tournament in David Villa, an underrated back-line and arguably the best goalkeeper standing in Iker Casillas. This one should be easy.

The Pick: Spain 2 – Paraguay 0

Argentina vs. Germany: This is one of the games that I am looking forward to most. Argentina has an embarrassment of riches up front in Leo Messi, Carlos Tevez, and Gonzalo Higuain. The also have the most interesting coach in the entire tournament in Diego Maradona. Seen as a possible hindrance to his team coming into the tournament and arguably the Greatest Player of All Time (at doing coke, Pele is the G.O.A.T. when it comes to the actual game), Maradona has the Argentines playing loose and dominating their opponents. Argentina might be playing with more energy and joy than any other team in the tournament

As for the Germans, they’re fun to watch for the first time ever. For the last few Cups Deutschland has been grinding out games behind the strength of keepers Jens Lehmann and Oliver Kahn as well as captain and midfield stalwart Michael Ballack. However, this time around, with Lehmann and Kahn retired and Ballack injured, the Germans look like Brazil. Bastian Schweinsteiger (say that three times fast), Mesut Ozil and Thomas Muller have established themselves as a new golden generation of German soccer players and they should be the best team in Europe over the next decade given their youth. Also, somehow Germany has the most international flavor of any team in the tournament (Germany?!), which makes them easy to root for. Still, Argentina look too  stacked, and I have too many questions about the German defense.

The Pick: Argentina 2 – Germany 1, but it will be closer than you think, Messi, Tevez, and Ozil will make big contributions.

Brazil vs. The Netherlands: The death of Joga Bonito has been greatly exaggerated and Brazil look like one of the top two teams standing (along with Argentina). Even though the Brazilians’ strength is their back line (for the first time in history), they don’t lack for attacking options as Kaka, Robinho, and Luis Fabiano have all played well. Add in a rock-solid defense corps led by Juan and arguably the best keeper in the tournament in Julio Cesar and the Brazilians are this year’s favorites (what else is new?).

The Dutch, however, may actually have the best attacking team in the tournament with Robin Van Persie up front and Arjen Robben, Drik Kuyt and Wesley Sneijder on the wings. Robben has shown no ill effects as he’s recovered from an injury sustained in tune-ups, but the Oranje have yet to play completely up to potential. Still, the Dutch have more than enough talent to upset the favorites here.

The Pick: Netherlands 2 – Brazil 1

Ghana vs. Uruguay: Uruguay has been one of the more fun teams to watch this tournament. I don’t expect them to win it all by any means it has been fun to watch the striking prowess of Luis Suarez has been fun.

Ghana has eliminated the US from the Cup the last two times around. For some people this, along with the fact that Ghana is the only African team left,  is a reason to root for the Black Stars. I say, embrace the hate. FUCK GHANA, WITH THEIR FLOPPING AND FAKE INJURIES, I WISH NOTHING BUT ILL UPON THEM. I CAN’T EVEN FIND YOUR FUCKING COUNTRY ON A MAP, YET WITHOUT MY TAX DOLLARS IT WOULDN’T EXIST. FUCK YOU, I HOPE YOU DIE IN A FIRE.

Enjoy the games!